Saturday, July 24, 2010

My heart exposed


So I have been meditating all day about what I would like to write in my blog tonight, and I have been bouncing ideas around in my head unceasingly. I was asked to share more of my heart on how God is speaking to me while I am here, and what sorts of things I have been taught while in this crazy/beautiful/ugly/ amazing/depressing/uplifting/poor/rich-country...

I honestly don't think there are any words to truly describe in full my experiences here. I could show a million pictures, describe every detail, and explain how God is moving, but I truly don't think anyone that has never been here can fully understand what it is like to BE HERE, and to first hand experience Gods presence among the people.

To be fully honest, I don't even know where to begin to try and express my heart.. I almost dread coming back to the States and feeling the pressure to talk about Haiti, and explain as best as I can a whole month of the most intense, life changing experience in my life up to date. But nonetheless I know that part of the reason God sent me here was so that I can spread news about the poverty and pain here, but also the complete overwhelming spiritual warfare here, and how Gods presence is in the air so thick that He naturally rubs off on you.

I have a hard time pointing to one specific area that God has changed me, because I feel like as a whole person He has matured my mind, and progressed my spirit closer to Him. I really am starting to feel like I have been here years, and have grown up here.. Even though I only have been here for the blink of an eye. I feel like I have put away many of my childish ways, and God has replaced them with better ways...

On the other hand, I fear talking about what God is doing in my heart publicly for the fear that I will be judged when I return..

"He doesn't seem any different to ME!"

"Now look, he is returning to the person he was before his trip!"

"Everything he wrote in his blog was fake, and he never genuinely was effected by anything.."

These are the judgments that I am afraid of, cause I know, whether the surface shows it or not, that I am permanently changed in my spirit. I know that God has taught me SO MUCH through conversations with the people here, as well as just time alone with Him, where his whispers are so beautiful.

I know that being here has made me MUCH more accepting of people where they are at in their walk with God, and life. I have been known to be very much a "my way is best, and if you don't agree with me that is because you are wrong!" mentality.. But living in a culture so very different from my own, and meeting people that are both similar and opposite from me has shown me that we are ALL deeply loved equally by God, and regardless of culture or walk in life we are apart of one big family, whether we act like it or not. True fellowship, community, and love is what makes the gospel attractive, not screaming into a bullhorn on a street corner, or telling everyone that you have it all together and they need to be like you.

As the body of Christ we need to draw together and truly treat each other like FAMILY... Time is too valuable to waste arguing amongst ourselves! How can my body EVER do anything constructive if one limb fights the other? If my hand attempted to strangle my throat, how could my lungs breath life into my body? We have one purpose and ONE goal, as being apart of Our Fathers' body; this is to simply love the WHOLE WORLD, without any sort of conditions or dress code, and without and distinction between gender, race, and culture....

Here I go sounding like a hippie don't I?

Well anyways, there is a small bit of my heart for tonight..

I love you guys!



Rina said...

That was AWESOME! So glad to hear your thoughts! I love your reference to the Body of Christ.

I'm SO happy you got the chance to go to Haiti, and make friendships. If this is what God wants you to do, and if this is what you love doing, then I hope you will get many other chances like this one.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us :)

love you bunches!

~Kris said...

Elijah I cannot help but sympathize with your feelings right now. I know those thoughts and feelings so intimately, and even still I have no words of comfort that will solve the insecurities...

What I can offer is a bit of guidance... Now, later, there or here, when someone asks.. ask them what they want to know, because you will have a patent 30 second version "It was good, God did a lot." Then you'll have the 2 minute version where you explain one story... Then you will have the people who want to KNOW what happened... Take the time to openly share with them whatever God lays on your heart... But, also know that sharing those things will be scary and possibly leave you open to being attacked or hurt... Do it anyway.

Do not avoid anything because you fear the potential of pain. God will protect you from true destruction, and He use you in those times on purpose, just like He is using you now, and avoiding anything out of fear means avoiding the chance for God to knock your socks off :)

I cannot put into words how proud I am of you.. How hopeful I am for this TOTALLY new direction in your life.. How excited I am to watch you take each step of true authentic Faith in our Savior.. How much I love that you are MY little brother and we get to share this life together.. and I cannot tell you how much of an inspiration you are, especially now that I am seeing what I have always known was deeply buried in your heart.

I love you a lot, and cannot wait to hear your voice soon!!

Gia said...

Elijah ... just letting you know that, after your presentation last week @ NC ... we have all seen tremendous changes in you! You were a great kid before, but now I see a man - focused, determined, passionate! Thanks for sharing this life-changing experience with us all. Peace, Brother!